To take on the process of existing, or to ignore my responsibilities- the question follows me everywhere, everyday- asking, constantly, that I make a decision, whether to take action, or to remain stagnant. And after I decide to participate in life or to be a bystander, another question waits to be consulted. The never ending sea of questions seems to become a never ending sea of troubles, and so I must ask myself, am I more justified in my being, if I surrender my resistance to the fear of suffering- meaning, is it more righteous to accept the universal rhythm of nature, letting the flow of unknown possibilities pass freely over me- Is the power of the outside universe more powerful than the inside universe that is me, and that is all within me?
Or is it more virtuous to turn around and valiantly face the infinite plague of troubles that pester me- and if by turning around, am I just relocating the source of my strife and not actually resolving the issue that I was born to solve – meaning, if I take on the fight of trying to end the problems I see, am I unconsciously allowing the problems I cannot see overtake me?
and If I do turn around and hold a mirror up to my misconceptions, will I be tricked again or will I actually bring my suffering to an end? Or will I just be ending the issues of this present life, only to see that I was actually just fighting my own self within my own dream? Is dying the same sensation as sleeping? Is to die the same as to sleep? If I die in this life, do I awake within another life and realize the issues I thought were real were just my mind training me?
Or is death the final end to my existence, and to die is to never experience sleeping again? Do I die and never get a chance to feel or live or be in any sort of reality?
And if when I leave this physical body and I die, will I come to see that this world was just my subconscious choosing and projecting one possibility? If so, if when I die I awake from a long-winded dream, and I find myself in another body with such thoughts and such painful responsibilities, please, give me a second to catch my breath. Give me a much needed break, or I will simply going to the next and solemnly, my life, I will take. Because if I never got a moment to pause and reflect, I would not be able to bear the truth. I would just go from one terrible life to the next without ever understanding how to escape. My conscience would get no time, itself, to sleep and record its findings- so, it would continue to set myself up for failure- my thoughts would be consumed with the dullness of confusion, and then I would just give up, and all the moments that had such opportunity would be forsaken and lose the will to create action. My dear and beautiful soul, my mind, my Ophelia, if I do die then awake within a different life, please remind me of my sins, so I do not have to keep relearning the same lesson again.