Frances Elena Farmer. Want me to spell it?

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“–no one ever came to me and said you’re a fool there
isn’t such a thing as God somebody’s just been stuffing you it
wasn’t murder i think god just died of old age and when i realized
he wasn’t anymore it didn’t shock me it seemed natural and right
maybe it was because I was never properly impressed with a religion
I went to sunday school and I liked the stories about Christ and
the Christmas star they were beautiful but i didn’t believe them
religion was too vague god was different though he was something
real something i could feel but there were only certain times I
could feel it I used to lie  between cool clean sheets at
night after I had a bath after I had scrubbed my fingernails and
knuckles and teeth and talk to god . I’m clean now i’ve never been
this clean and i’ll never be cleaner and somehow it was god I
wasn’t sure that it was just something cool and dark and clean that
wasn’t religion though there was too much of the physical about it
after a time even at night the feeling of god didn’t last I began
to wonder what the minister meant when he said god the father sees
even the smallest sparrow fall he watches over all his children and
 jumble it all up for me if god were a father with children
and that cleanness i had been feeling wasn’t god so at night when I
went to bed I would think I am clean i am sleepy and I went to
sleep it didn’t keep me from enjoying the cleanness any less I just
knew that god wasn’t there sometimes i found him useful to remember
especially when I lost things that were important after slamming
through the house breathless and panicky from searching I could
stop— I could stop in the middle of the room and shut my eyes
please god let me find my red hat with the blue trimmings, it
usually worked that satisfied me until i began to figure out that
if god loved all his children equally then why did he bother about
my red hat and let other people lose their fathers and mothers for
always i began to see that he didn’t have much to do about peoples’
dying or hats or anything they happened whether he wanted them to
or not and he stayed in heaven and pretended not to notice I
wondered a little why god was such a useless thing it seemed a
waste of time to have him I felt rather proud to think that I had
found the truth myself without help from anyone it puzzled me that
others hadn’t found out too, god was gone why couldn’t see it it
still puzzles me”<br><br>
-Frances Farmer, via actor, Jessica Lange in
url-2 Francis Farmer,
as a youngen

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